By Kayla Myers, Family Peer Supporter

September 24, 2024

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through the experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition ignited, and success achieved.” — Helen Keller

Today, I invite you to join me on a journey. The map I was given at birth was filled with detours, unexpected stops, fast-paced highways, and scenic routes, accompanied by plenty of bumps and flat tires. Through adaptation and countless obstacles, I navigated a less-traveled road—a highway leading to self-awareness and recovery. I want to pause a moment to express my heartfelt gratitude to each of you here today reading this. I know you have faced your own battles, and your presence signifies that you’ve found hope after being hurt and discovered the courage to keep showing up for yourselves. Thank you for allowing me the space to be vulnerable and share my story.

Before I dive into my successes, I must be honest about the struggles and losses I've faced—mostly at my own hands, but also at the hands of others. I am a survivor of complex trauma, navigating a world shaped by anxiety and depression. I received a late diagnosis of ADHD. For thirty years, I excelled at being what everyone else needed, so much so that I lost sight of who I was and what I truly wanted in life. I thought I had it all figured out, only to find myself in the ER at 18, convinced I was having a heart attack. The doctors told me my EKG results were immaculate. When I asked what it could mean, they casually dismissed it as “just a panic attack.” But how could that be? For years, I had expressed sympathy for those struggling with diagnoses, convinced that I was “fine.” My subconscious was screaming to be heard, and I simply ignored it. My college years became a whirlwind of chaos—fun, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and the persistent belief that I was okay.

Reflecting on the little girl born in June of 1990 is bittersweet. She faced challenges far beyond her years yet handled them with grace. Joyful, kind, confident, talkative, and emotionally mature, she saw the good in everyone, even in those who struggled to show it. I envy her resilience; she loved freely, expecting nothing in return. Perhaps I envy her because I am “her”—the same essence still resides within me. But I was naïve to the toll this ability to love could take on my bright spirit.

As years passed, friendships and romantic relationships flowed through cycles of joy, confusion, love, and heartache. I took a break from school to pursue promotions at work, where I felt valued and connected.

Becoming a mom was a beautiful chapter in my story. I thrived in that role, embracing the joys and challenges of motherhood in a new city. The love I felt for my son was unconditional, profound, and hard to articulate. Three and a half years later, I became pregnant with my second son, who also brought immense joy and tenderness into my life. Both my boys enriched my existence, and their uniqueness taught me how to love two individuals exactly as they were meant to be.

Despite the chaos, I cherish being a mother. Yet motherhood can be overwhelming—there are countless tasks to juggle, financial stresses, and the constant responsibility of ensuring another’s safety. While it brings an abundance of love, it also magnifies feelings of inadequacy. I was terrified of letting my boys down, leading me to second-guess myself repeatedly. My untreated anxiety intensified, occasionally spiraling into depression. Eventually, I found myself waking up and merely going through the motions. A neck injury compounded my sense of being lost, but counseling became a vital lifeline, providing me with a space to be heard.

When we moved to Montana, a place steeped in cherished childhood memories, my dreams began to take shape. I found a new flicker of hope, returning to work while my boys started school. But then I faced another challenge: my youngest’s regression with Autism. He lost his language and many of the abilities I had treasured. I mourned the child I once knew while stepping up to be the mother he needed.

I resumed counseling, and after two years of revisiting the same struggles, my therapist delivered a powerful revelation: “If you’re unhappy with your life, you have two choices. You can completely change how your life looks, or you need to find better solutions to feel comfortable in your current situation.” It was an awakening moment.

Four years ago, I grew weary of my narrative and finally admitted the truth: I was the only one who could change my life. I learned to listen to my inner voice and advocate for myself. EMDR therapy became transformative, helping me reclaim my life. Today, my boys are thriving. I’ve met a wonderful partner who loves me for who I am. I’ve embraced the role of being a bonus to a beautiful little girl. I am passionate about my work and a fierce advocate for others. My experiences have granted me the ability to meet people where they are, recognizing that the fundamental human need is connection. With even a glimmer of hope, beautiful transformations can occur.

Now, I stand proud of the person I see in the mirror. When I need a reminder, the little girl within me whispers that I am joyful, kind, confident, talkative, curious, and emotionally mature. I understand how the world works, and I strive to treat even the unloving with compassion. We are all born good, and we are all doing our best.

by Mandy Waite, Assistant Director

September 5, 2023

The past year has taken me on a whirlwind journey through the intricate tapestry of recovery. It has been a spellbinding blend of breathtaking highs that I never thought possible and grueling challenges that have reminded me of the continuous effort required to uphold the progress I've made.

In the beginning of this transformative year, I found myself stepping into the role I had long yearned for - Assistant Director of Montana's peer network. This was more than just a job; it was a dream woven into my aspirations. The path, however, was strewn with thorns of anxiety, especially when it came to conquering my fear of driving on the Interstate. As someone who grapples with panic disorder, the mere thought of this journey was a tempest of trepidation.

Undeterred by my own limitations, I was resolute in my belief that I wouldn't allow fear or the shackles of mental illness to hinder my progress. I embarked on a journey of resilience, undergoing six intense weeks of EMDR therapy tailored to dissolve the tendrils of anxiety gripping me. The echoes of my therapist's soothing words became my companions as I ventured onto the Interstate, each drive a testament to my determination. While the specter of anxiety still lingers, it's no longer a tyrant holding me captive. My journey through this year has seen me navigate the highways, from Helena to Missoula to Bozeman, with a spirit that's been nurtured by the courage to confront my inner demons.

And then came the pinnacle of adulthood - buying my first home. It wasn't just about acquiring property; it was an odyssey through self-discovery and financial revival. The road was littered with the remnants of past struggles, debts, and credit woes that once bound me. With unwavering tenacity, I dismantled these barriers brick by brick. I negotiated with collection agencies, nursed my credit back to health through careful credit card management, and scaled the ladder of financial responsibility. Each milestone I achieved wasn't just about improving my credit score; it was a testament to the strength of my commitment and determination.

The process of buying a home was an orchestra of exhilaration and anxiety. The symphony of questions swirled in my mind: Could I keep up with the monthly payments? What if unforeseen hurdles emerged? The symphony, however, played on, and I danced to its rhythm. I have a panic disorder, yes, but it did not stop me from embracing the excitement and apprehension of this new chapter. With each hurdle I overcame, I forged a deeper connection with myself, an unbreakable thread of resilience.

In the midst of these changes, I sought solace in the realm of mental health care. The journey to find a new psychiatric provider was marked by the echoes of past disappointments. I had hoped that my achievements and professional prowess would shield me from the stigma I had once faced. Alas, my first encounter left me feeling dismissed and voiceless, but it did yield a validating diagnosis. Yet, from the ashes of this experience, I emerged with newfound hope. I reached out to someone who saw me, who acknowledged the battles I had fought and the victories I had earned. With her support, I navigated the labyrinth of medication adjustments, a path fraught with uncertainties. Her unwavering understanding reminded me that seeking help is a mark of courage, not weakness.

Amidst the crescendo of challenges, a sweet refrain rang out - my wedding day. A celebration of love, a testament to resilience, it was a crescendo of emotions that left my heart both exultant and vulnerable. As I walked down the aisle, a journey of redemption unfolded before me. My dad, once distant due to the wounds of addiction, stood beside me, symbolizing a bridge rebuilt through perseverance. My daughter, a beacon of hope, bore witness to my transformation. The circle of family, once fractured, had mended, an embodiment of the miracles recovery can manifest.

The past year has been a symphony of emotions, a rollercoaster ride through uncharted territories of joy, pride, fear, and growth. It demanded every ounce of courage, every iota of strength, and every whisper of self-belief. I've tasted the sweetness of achievement, felt the weight of responsibility, and embraced the symphony of life with open arms. Through it all, my recovery has been my guiding star, the compass that steered me through uncharted waters. As I stand here, gazing at the path I've walked, I'm filled with a profound gratitude for the tumultuous, transformative journey that has brought me to this moment. The highs and lows have etched a tapestry of resilience, and I am ready to keep weaving, one thread of recovery at a time.