by Lea Wetzel, Family Peer Supporter

January 30, 2024

Growing up and learning to live with mental health conditions, and finding power within my uniqueness has been a journey all its own. When growing up I always felt different, so it has been quite a journey in my self-acceptance of having these obstacles. Like many minorities, we come from intergenerational and historical trauma. Being a mother of two beautiful children who are already having similar struggles of not filling into the “norm” is hard for me, but super hard for them this day and age.

We are in a time of “Shifting Paradigms,” but when it comes to the support of my children having similar ongoing situations, it is a reminder of the work that still needs to be done, and the education that still needs to be spread.

It can be frustrating and emotionally draining to be a fighting force when being present and the support for my own children’s journey. It takes me back to when we were the only “mixed family” in the suburb of my hometown I grew up in. With both my biological parents being tribally affiliated and having an African American Stepfather growing up in the early 80s in this area, it was a struggle.

Now, you add times when I wasn’t feeding my wellness the way I should, there has been trial and error and lots of learning experiences. Being able to work with others who have similar life experiences has been very helpful, and I can say the payoff of seeing my children happy and healthy can mean everything in these trying times.

Parenthood is a profound journey, filled with moments of joy, love, and an overwhelming sense of responsibility. For individuals like me, a woman from the Amskapii Piikani band of the Blackfoot Confederated Nation, the path of parenting intertwines with the past, present, and what is uniquely qualified to work for us. I realize my story sheds light on the unique challenges parents face when nurturing their children while battling their internal struggles, but also adding the need to embrace and nurture self.

Navigating the intricacies of parenting with resilience became a priority for me. As a survivor of multifaced trauma, I recognized the importance of not allowing my past to define my present or my role as a mother. "I never thought I would be exposed to situations that would negatively affect me for the rest of my life," However, my journey in motherhood is a testament to the strength that can emerge even in the face of profound adversity.

Resiliency and dedication to empowering others on their journey of healing is a meaningful life. Reconnecting with my traditional ways and receiving peer support during a critical phase of my life was transformative. "I knew if I were to learn to heal this, I would commit to helping others and do whatever I could so others wouldn’t experience the same," echoes in my head and into reality for me to remember where I came from and where I am now.

The journey toward healing involved embracing the power of storytelling. I found strength in sharing my truth, not only for my own empowerment but to inspire and support others and be an example for my kids. I became an advocate for my people and am working towards justice and support for survivors of domestic violence, human trafficking, and childhood sexual traumas.

My culture is prevention and connection to purpose for all Indigenous communities across Turtle Island. It has been a driving force behind my reconnection to my ways and the way I live my life. My children and I participate in ceremony for strength and to stay in humility, so we may be the best we can be when we go back into the world.

Balancing parenthood with advocacy and a commitment to empowering others is not without its challenges. I actively participate in various initiatives, including supporting survivors of human trafficking, advocating for families and individuals of Missing and Murdered Indigenous People (MMIP), partnering in awareness campaigns, and engaging in state-wide committees. My roles as a Montana Department of Corrections Victim Impact Panelist, Advisory Council Member, and active involvement in legislative Steering and Access sub-committees for the Montana Department of Health and Human Services, I believe reflect my dedication to making a difference.

All that said, my mental health and my children’s well-being must come first for me to be present and a part of any of the work I am passionate about.

Learning how to balance life in these areas as a single mother in the recovery of these spectrums, and supporting two children with ongoing similar issues, having someone to support me as the parent can mean everything in this ongoing and ever-evolving Paradigm Shift, of being mindful, present, and allows us to live in wellness and a place of gratitude.

by Nikki Russell, Recovery Coach

December 12, 2023

Spiritual Intelligence (SQ) is discovering the aspects of us that inspire creativity, healing, and purpose. Another name for this is intuition, which lives on our brain's right side. The intelligence Quotient (IQ), the left side of the brain, measures what we accumulate outside of ourselves; learning happens through reading books, listening to speeches, researching, and observing others. We analyze and compare data intellectually and incorporate it into life. Learning starts early in life, like learning to walk and speak, and evolves into helping us understand, perceive, and assess the world around us. It is critical for survival; it helps us meet mental, emotional, and social demands. Learning does not play favorites; it does not self-correct. The school of hard knocks teaches different lessons and incorporates skills that protect a person from danger. For example, due to the trauma I was experiencing at home as a child, it was much more important to maintain a sense of safety versus learning math, my left brain told me. Confidence was a mask I wore to protect secrets, in comparison to an organic experience that prepared me for harnessing a successful career path. This type of learning came from my family's modeled behavior, and it assured me that I would stay in the same social class, mental health, and emotional crisis. The trauma wound became my best teacher, guiding my footsteps, warning me of happiness, and sabotaging success. Hypervigilance was my game, and I excelled, honing my survival skills. There were no awards or certifications for my efforts, and no adult ever validated my keen eye for perpetrators, my empathic qualities of just knowing when something was wrong, or how I could weave a story to protect a generation of lies.

I had skills that could win battles and pass tests, but none that were credible by society's standards. I worked incredibly hard to fit into the "IQ" world. With a flash of my smile and wielding my sword of manipulation, I could achieve anything this life had to offer. Worldly success was at my fingertips; you guessed it, a cigarette, a beer, and a pill were all I needed to convince myself I was just like you. They did not fall for it, but I did, hard. To the bottom, I went down every bottle, relationship, and lie. Getting to the bottom of a lie is hard to hit; it meant I could no longer count on my education to get me through consistent internal trauma; I would need to go deeper. It was a crushing blow to realize the safety measures taken were a false security blanket meant to keep me trapped in a cozy feedback loop. My five senses of touch, taste, smell, hearing, and sight were a part of the protection process; my thought patterns and emotions justified the concrete world I saw, further constructing and solidifying an identity. I was imprisoned in my education, a storm of thought patterns that pulled from my past and projected into the future, staining potentially beautiful life experiences. Triggered emotions reinforced the thoughts that created a fear in me so intense that all I could do was adjust the mask and hope that the distant light of my authentic self would twinkle just enough to conjure images of happiness in you so you would not judge me.

I heard it! Deep inside me, I heard it! Is my intuition speaking to me? It felt so hollow inside my body and brain the voice echoed. It felt like the truth; it was soft and kind but seemed wild. Was I losing my God-forsaken mind once and for all? The unknown of that experience felt like home, but no home I have ever known. The message that came through that day felt like Deja Vue, and I knew that I was right where I was supposed to be. Hope came in the middle of my messy mind, broken heart, and tragic life; it held me so tight and then released me back into the world to rebuild my life. A deeper level of safety existed, but with the old thought patterns giving me feedback, it would take another year for me to walk into a life of recovery. A new education was in order, and I became a seeker of truth.

Mining for my authentic self-involved practices would quiet the recycled thought patterns that imposed a life of protection. I needed to be able to not only hear my intuition but discern between thought and wisdom. It has been a non-linear path of learning new skills; I began listening, writing down thoughts, and questioning what motivated me versus the results I was getting. Doing the work to unlearn old patterns and behaviors was actively passive. It was a destructive internal process that involved learning to meditate, journaling, reading loads of books, and a forgiveness process. I permitted myself to become the spiritual-girl I have always been. The willingness to trust that my intuition will guide me toward true happiness that might not look like what the world defines as success took radical action. So much of my suffering during this timeframe was the old identity I was losing; even though it imprisoned me, it also protected me. I lost that old identity to have something better. Spirituality is a way of life offering a radical intelligence accessible to everyone. It takes a process, acceptance of where we currently are on our life journey, and a desire for change. With the balance of the left and the right brain, we cannot rely only on IQ as a means of living; we are only relying on the information in our environment. The right brain offers creativity with life and new possibilities; it allows spirituality to flow in. Spending time in the realm of the impossible is where dreams are cultivated; connecting SQ with IQ will enable an inner genius to take form and deliver a life beyond your imagination.

by Erin Faulkner, Family Peer Supporter

October 11, 2023

As a child, I viewed my mother’s depression in very simplistic terms.  She was moody, unreasonable, inconsistent and easily irritated. As I look back and “psychoanalyze”, I look at her depression as more of an empty hole.  My mother did an amazing job at giving us great life experiences and adventures and a happy life.  We went on vacations almost yearly.  As a single mom, she couldn’t afford big trips by plane, so it was car trips.  We went to Wisconsin to visit family, California to go to Disneyland, Calgary and Edmonton and the Black Hills for an annual reunion with the Wisconsin family.  Home was filled with laughter during game nights and movie nights.  In addition to giving us these experiences, I wonder if these things filled the hole, so that she wasn’t left feeling empty. 

As I got older, I learned more about my mother’s childhood from her and her sister.  My mother was the third and final child.  Her sisters were 6 and 9 years older than her.  She was an accident, unwanted.  When she was 11, my mother’s mother passed away from a long battle with cancer.  She was then raised by an absent father, a critical older sister and eventually a step-mother who didn’t want to share her new husband. 

I don’t think we’ll ever know if she would have suffered from depression without this childhood trauma, but it certainly contributed to it.  I am amazed that my mother was able to find the strength to give us the love that she often didn’t feel. 

Once we were growing up and leaving home, my mother prepared to fill the loneliness by adopting 4 children.  Let me be clear.  She didn’t just fill her emptiness.  She provided my brothers and sisters with the same great life we had.  It is important for my mother to keep her mind occupied and stay involved in activities.  Her Catholic faith is very important to her, and she is involved heavily in her church.  She is currently taking online classes related to health, keeping that hole filled.

My mother took anti-depressants for as long as I can remember.  She also has seen, and still sees, a counselor at different periods in her life.  About 15 years ago, my mother suffered a traumatic brain injury from a fall on ice.  This compounded her already compromised coping skills.  She turned to alcohol for a period of time.  About 6 years ago, she stopped cold turkey just as she has stopped smoking almost 40 years before. 

My mother has passed on her strength, love and resiliency to her children.  I had a short bout with situational depression in my early 20’s.  Looking back, I think the root cause was my recent diagnosis of a connective tissue disorder and the fear of what my future would look like.  Would I be blind, deaf, disabled?  Once I accepted my possible future and realized that I could control some things, I was able to move on and be happy.  I’m not always happy, but I am not numb to life.  That is the beauty of feelings!

Finally, my daughter, who is now 21, started experiencing anxiety at a young age.  Her anxiety increased when she went away to college.  The anxiety then turned to depression.  Sam was a Covid year graduate, which meant that her first few years of college were not normal.  All of the wonderful things that were supposed to happen, didn’t.  She felt that there was nothing to look forward to. She didn’t find enjoyment in anything.  As a mom, this was heartbreaking.  We cried many tears, mine usually fell after we got off the phone.  Medications were prescribed, but none of them were right.  Counseling during her second year of college provided her with many tools and helped her evaluate herself and her life. In the end, it was the anxiety that she needed to get a handle on.   Sam is now a happy, well-adjusted, but “over it" Senior getting ready to embark on her next adventure this summer. 

These are three different stories of how depression has affected my life.  They are all valid.  They are all life-impacting.  They are all success stories.

by Kayla Myers, Family Peer Supporter

August 22, 2023

The day I became a mom to my son was the greatest day of my life. While I was pregnant and in those first months of being his mom, I don’t ever remember doubting my abilities. I knew I would try every day to be the mom my kids needed. It is interesting now looking back, I can point out where I let all my doubts, fears, and unhealed trauma, creep in and steal the precious moments I had with my boys.  Being a mom is hard yes, but motherhood was the very thing that came into my life and pushed me to unpack the things I never processed, to heal, and to love myself. Nothing could ever compare to the love and grace my boys showered me with. They made me feel loved on the days I could barely look in the mirror because I was a sad, lonely, an empty vessel who was living in survival mode.

Throughout motherhood, the thing that stands out the most on my recovery journey, is how triggering my kids were to the unhealed parts of me. Selfish I know. How could I let my mind trick me into feeling unworthy of their love or that I would fail them? How could I let my doubts become so big, that I let them feel the very things I should have dealt with a long time ago? It’s something I am slowly trying to forgive myself for, but I know it takes time and I must lead by example. I didn’t know what I now know about unhealed trauma. Trauma is the undetected cancer living in every person we encounter daily. Who wants to be the person that is still talking about their past because it wasn’t that bad or knowing we had to keep moving along because that’s what was expected of us? If trauma isn’t “dealt” with, we see it come out of ourselves in many ways such as self-sabotaging behaviors, anxiety, or depression, just to name a few. I finally had enough of the way I was living my life and started to dive deep into the parts of my past that were buried so deep inside of me, and I was finally able to shine a light on them. While I was never neglectful to my boys, I was neglecting myself more than ever when I became a mom. I kept pouring from a cup that was already empty because I didn’t have the tools on how to pour back into myself. When you keep living your life this way, it can feel so overwhelming and defeating.

My journey in recovery is still and will continue to be a work in progress. But I know I have little ones who look to me for guidance and to be their example. The best thing I have learned is to ask for what I need when I feel like I am drowning, to offer myself grace when I don’t feel worthy of it, and how to be present with my children. While parenting, it is important for me to be vulnerable and honest with my children when I am not feeling my best. When I do this now, it shows them that even adults don’t have it all figured out and we struggle ourselves. This shift in communication helps with everyone’s internal needs in the family unit because more conversations are being had and heard. My hope is that my family can see I will never stop working on myself so I can always show up the best way I can, in the moments they depend on me. I am worthy of love and so are they.

by Kayla Myers, Family Peer Supporter

June 27, 2023

When I did this month’s webinar on the topic “Radical Acceptance”, one of the comments was on the word radical paired with acceptance. Radical commonly can be referred to a person who is an extremist in their advocacy on topics that are less than traditional. So, the thought was, I understand acceptance in life and as events happen that are less than acceptable, but how I am expected to radically accept these events as something I am putting an “I am okay with this happening to me” stamp on it?

For me, I got to a point in my life where I had more childhood trauma that was unresolved inside of me than I even knew, I was undiagnosed with everything but anxiety, I kept running through the same kind of relationships with different bodies, expecting different results, and having all my life’s events coming to head when I became a mom. I was a triggered, an empty vessel, coasting through life in a numbed state of mind. I didn’t find joy in anything, I was disassociated and couldn’t make sense of what was real or not, and I didn’t feel any emotion anymore. That’s when I had to radically accept change into my life and heal from the things that hurt me to my core. I had to peel every piece of armor I had put on in life, acknowledge the coping mechanisms that I carried like weapons to keep me safe from the unknown, and look at my younger self and adult me in the mirror and say “enough!”. You know how hard that journey is? It’s debilitating. To finally accept that while I didn’t deserve any of it, I put up with it and kept inviting trauma dressed in different clothes back into my life. I was the one in the end breaking my own heart and the very person I was armed and suited up fighting against.

Radical Acceptance isn’t an easy task. It is a mindset to eventually get too be so good at, you don’t have to think about it anymore. It’s being able to check in with yourself, acknowledge your emotions and feelings, and then deciding which way to move forward. It is very empowering and gives you strength. It takes the power back from those that we feel inclined to lend it to, to remind ourselves that our opinion of ourselves is the most important and gives us freedom to choose self-love and acceptance into our life. Then in return, we are being examples to our children, peers, friends, family who are ready to walk the same journey. To say, enough, that chapter has closed. I will not allow what has happened or what will happen, dictate what I am going to do right now in the present.

You know that corny line, life is a gift so live in the present? That is a hard thing to do without a lot of inner work. But it is obtainable. I am living proof. There is another corny line, if I can do it, you can too! Well, I guess what I am trying to say, those corny lines don’t feel so corny anymore. They feel real and empowering. They feel so freeing that I won’t ever step backwards into a place where I don’t feel those very things in my core.

by Lea Wetzel, Drop-in Center Coordinator

May 9, 2023

When I started getting diagnosed with mental health conditions, I was still a teenager. I was ashamed, scared, and felt like I was doomed. I come from a family that has both mental health conditions and substance abuse disorders, so I was aware of what they both can look like. It hit me hard, and even though I had seen struggles within my family’s dynamics, I still held shame and guilt from my situation. I later learned that the shame and guilt was not mine to carry, but before that, I carried it like I was packing luggage around, everywhere I went.

I learned to “mask” so much of my realities, that it became second nature to act as if, all was well.  I didn’t fully grasp the effects that what I had going on, had on me, and those around me. I know that I would feel so secluded, even if I was in a room full of people. I lived with anxiety and depression most of my life. I later ended up with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and within the past seven years, I was diagnosed with a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury).

I struggled for a long time, and felt the need to hide my problems, until I couldn’t anymore, and I ended up in and out of being hospitalized, tried on multiple medications, and in and out of treatment centers and the justice system.

I self-medicated for decades, in active addiction, and my mental health was on large amounts of highs and lows. I thought I had it figured out but found myself in a place where I pushed almost everyone that was important to me away, and was surrounded by hurt, pain, loss, and loneliness. After lots of this ongoing cycle, I finally figured out that I had to hit a place of understanding in my life, and later I found something called acceptance. I learned to forgive those who had hurt me, situations that went on, and most importantly I needed to learn to forgive myself.

All of what started my healing evolved from awareness and education on the why, what, where, when, and who, within my life and my mental health. I found solutions and answers to my life, and a better understanding of myself.  Through learning about how the brain works, practices and principles that worked for me, I started to find solutions. What was the most helpful was being able to share and hold healing space with others that were on a similar journey. Reconnecting to my ancestorial background was the beginning of a bigger source that unfolded so much positivity and enlightenment.

Knowing that I come from a heritage that has also been affected by historical and intergenerational traumas, and learning the truth behind my history, also gave me more knowledge and awareness that allowed my growth and healing to continue. Learning that that growth and healing never ends, that the more I learn, I need to have humility and humbleness. I embrace all the support and knowledge that others grace me with, and I feel so blessed.

I started out feeling like I had a curse, and now I see it all as a blessing. Learning about the key pieces to my mental health and implementing principles and practices into my life, has allowed my life to be full of blessings. I have an understanding that I now can use my voice to share my journey, and it can positively affect others, and hopefully allow them to realize they are not alone, and there is no need for stigma. We don’t and shouldn’t ever accept another’s stigma on our mental health, or anyone else’s, and we can be examples for others, and advocate together.

My grandfather, Walter “Blackie” Wetzel, told us kids when we were little, that society will attempt to make us feel different or try to say something is wrong with us, but that is not true, and don’t listen to them. We are gifted, and we can see, and feel things that not the everyday average “normy” understands. We may take a little longer to figure things out, but never give up. Knowledge is power, and always know, that you have a bigger purpose and no matter what the obstacle, Creator has a plan, so keep going, and get past those barriers, and be a voice of overcoming.

by Mandy Nunes, Assistant Director

April 11, 2023

What is the true meaning of forgiveness? Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

My recovery journey has so many stories of forgiveness, laid out layer upon layer. Some layers of forgiveness came naturally as my perspective changed in recovery. Other layers of forgiveness took years of therapy and work to be able to forgive. Forgiveness of self was the hardest for me. Partially because I had to spend a lot of time in therapy untangling what was mine to own and forgive of myself and what forgiveness I needed to give to someone else. You wouldn’t think it would be that hard to figure out, but for me it most definitely was.

I have a ton of childhood trauma. For those of you who know what ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) tests are, I have an ACEs score of 10, the highest score one can have. My environment shaped me. I began to use substances to cope at an early age, and engage in other behaviors that were really dangerous and created more trauma. I recreated the environment of my childhood, I made choices that were devastating. I caused harm to others and harm to myself. As I tried to process my trauma, take accountability, and find forgiveness, I was riddled with shame and self-loathing. So much of my adult trauma was my own doing, I was both victim and perpetrator. Trying to navigate that was confusing and agonizing, but I knew the only way out was through.

It took me a long time, with the help of an amazing therapist, to start being able to see that a lot of the shame I felt wasn’t mine to own. I was so focused on accountability that I was owning my experiences from 12, 13, 14 years old, and so on, as my choices, my fault. My therapist had to help me reshape those experiences and my role in them. The truth was, I was a child. It was someone else’s role to guide me, to protect me. I have a 12 year old daughter right now, and she is absolutely not mature enough to make those kinds of decisions, and the thought of her experiencing the things I did at her age makes me incredibly sad and honestly a little sick to my stomach. I had to find compassion for the child I was that experienced those things. Once I was able to acknowledge and have compassion for the child me, then I was able to understand adult me. Once I was able to do that, I was able to work on forgiveness for the adults in my childhood. As I worked on forgiving them I was able to start forgiving me, or maybe as I worked on forgiving me, I was able to forgive them. Either way the forgiveness did come. And some days I feel tangled up again, memories resurface and feelings too. Forgiveness isn’t always a one and done thing, sometimes it’s a choice we make every day, just like recovery. It can be an incredible amount of work, painful even at times. For me, the work that went into forgiveness was liberating and absolutely worth it. I wouldn’t be who I am today without it.

Today, through my forgiveness of self and others, I am able to support my mom from a place of compassion as she is on her own healing journey of recovery and forgiveness. My mom is currently going through a similar process with her therapist and I have been able to share some of my experiences with her. As she shares with me, I am reminded of how difficult and painful it can be to go through that process, even more so for her since my grandmother has passed. I am grateful that I get to love and support her through this process, rather than blame and resent. That is the power of forgiveness.