Nikki Russell, Recovery Programs Coordinator

June 4, 2024

I used to believe I had no unique gifts or talents to offer the world. I lamented the belief that happiness could not be found in my work; it had to be uncovered in my hobbies. Work was to be something I trudged through to get a paycheck utterly separate from my authenticity. As I forged a path through the business world, I gained many external accolades from my professional environment that fulfilled a sense of accomplishment but did not replenish my heart.

I had a deep desire to promote human welfare. I understood the suffering in the world; the wounding I experienced made me sensitive to it. I put being a humanitarian on a bucket list and carried on with business as usual. It is interesting how the universe attempted to show me my purpose, bringing me people who needed support. When I look back, it is crystal clear that my work in this life is to be a bridge to hope. The mask I wore hid the pain of my childhood, yet the people who had soul resonance with my suffering saw right through the mask and showed up in droves. As I sought, trudged, and dug for my destined career path, I did not see what was in plain sight; my most genuine desire hid behind pain and a life I was constructing to appear satisfied.

The road less traveled always felt dangerous because it meant following my heart, which usually led to aloneness. I was a closet addict; my happiness facade was worth not going through the pain of rejection, and the people who showed up for support represented "the me" I was trying to suppress. My artificial life triggered the authentic girl inside that, yes, had much pain but desperately needed to heal. With each year that passed, it became more and more painful to live a counterfeit life. It manifested as the abandonment of everything I created in an attempt to avoid the pain of my past. Addiction, the major destructor of life, leaves in its trail nothing except a spec of oneself that, if willing, will be used to rebuild a life of authenticity.

That spec meant everything to me; it held a second chance at life. The opportunity to be brave and courageous and walk down the road less traveled. Hope is an exciting experience because it shines the light of a bright future but holds everything a person needs to heal to get there. It says, "If you're willing to face some pretty unappealing facts about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld." Hope is the seed of the authentic life, but it only comes with much work. The gut-wrenching process called recovery opened my heart and led me on my destined path. My traumatic childhood, the years spent running from it, and the destruction of the mask was for a great purpose. My life meant more than I could have imagined; my lived experience could provide hope to somebody who didn't know grace was possible. Grace is a natural flow with what life offers, good, bad, or ugly, and finding the strength to see, feel, and release it.

With recovery came an examination of life experiences instead of investments in beliefs. I had developed a belief about myself and how I felt I needed to function in the world to be accepted. Knowing myself came with authenticity and the development of strength, resiliency, and courage to live without needing to fit in. I have discovered that I was not created to mold or conform to the masses. I was made to model recovery and compassion even in the face of those who deny me their approval. This understanding does not mean that all of a sudden, my life is problem-free; in fact, the opposite is true. The world has not changed, but my inner experience has. Becoming a Certified Peer Support Specialist validates my recovery experience and allows me the freedom to live a life that aligns with my soul, yet it does not always match up with the belief system of the world. Today, I am honored to face my fears, trembling and shaking, to validate an inner voice alive and well with something to add to life's dialogue.

My experience working as a Peer Support Specialist has evolved me into my authentic self. It has challenged the unhealed parts of me and demanded growth. Peer Support is about learning to stand in your power during the storms of emotions arising from past memories. Peer Support is a mirror that reflects your most tremendous human potential. It allows you to find yourself beyond the wounding, symptoms, and masks. We learn skills that we perform professionally, like DAP notes, recovery planning, and system regulations. Still, our actual value lies in our lived experience. It cannot be taught in exchange for a degree, systemized for protocol, or used as a treatment for mental health. It is not thought-based or a concept to be published. It cannot be traded for money, healing, or wisdom because it is experiential. It is so good that it cannot be measured, weighed, or theorized. It is the last of its kind, and professional systems and education cannot reproduce the awe-inspiring, gut-wrenching, and spirit-stretching that the experience of a Peer Supporter must deliver.

The expected job growth in the addiction field is anticipated to grow by 18% from 2022-2032 (Best Colleges, 2024). The addiction recovery field has evolved to include Peer-based services and recovery-oriented systems of care that extend the continuum of care and allow people to establish long-term sobriety. A Peer Support Specialist in Montana exists under the Behavioral Health umbrella, enhancing traditional treatment models with evidence-based practices. The road less traveled on the Peer Support Specialist path provides the magic that treatments, interventions, and medications cannot provide. Remember how vital you are to the recovery movement.

Choosing a career as a Certified Behavioral Health Peer Support Specialist is more than just a valid choice-it's a deeply impactful one. This role uniquely harnesses the power of lived experience to foster recovery, dismantle stigma, and cultivate more vital, more empathetic communities. As a CBHPSS, you play a pivotal role in society, offering a meaningful and fulfilling career path for those committed to aiding others on their recovery journey. By embarking on this career, you become an indispensable part of the community, bolstering its resilience and strength (This paragraph generated by Chat GPT, 2024).

by Nikki Russell, CBHPSS

April 6, 2024

What does self-care look like? What does self-care feel like?

I was a new manager in a clothing retail store in the corporate world. In the beginning, I worked 50-60 hours a week. I managed 12-15 employees at any given time with scheduling, crunching numbers, training, and orientations. I sat in my office, dreaming of a way to excuse myself and walk away from the rat race. The job represented how I lived until then, sacrificing my vitality for security. I would leave work daily, pick up my daughter, and stop for my self-care, a bottle or two of wine. I would go home and pour myself a mind-numbing glass of Cabernet, help my daughter with her homework, and put her to bed. I would pass out around midnight, wake up the following day, and start the cycle again. Alcohol and that corporate job functioned just enough to cover my bases. Society told me that my life was pretty good for a girl like me: divorced, single mother, uneducated, and emotionally unstable. I listened to the external world and survived on validation. I wondered why I didn't feel it if I was supposed to be happy. Alcohol kept my emotions in check, and my corporate job gave me a paycheck while both robbed me of my spirit. I had to get so uncomfortable that I became spiritually bankrupt; I needed a do-over, a complete life rehaul. Recovery would save my life.

The root cause of my instability was a disconnect from myself. I was not responsible for my life; I blamed most of my adverse circumstances on my dad's abandonment. One of my first realizations was that my dad abandoned me 35 years ago. Yet, I held him accountable for my current circumstances. At that moment, I recognized that I had done the same thing he had done, abandoning myself because of childhood trauma. In an instant, I went from outward-facing to inward-facing, beginning my journey home to me. The journey home to my heart is how I define self-care. I learned about things I enjoyed, found new ways to cope and soothe myself, and bonded with my daughter, all-encompassing the healing journey called recovery. The recovery journey looks a lot different than the corporate ladder. While many people were proud of my previous accomplishments, they struggled to understand the introverted and sober girl I had become. It did not concern me most respectfully, for I was on a mission to heal my life. Self-care can be a gritty process because it busts through outdated patterns and creatively builds a new process. In the beginning, self-care felt selfish until I recognized that I had no tension in my body when I aligned with the creative process.

Elizabeth Gilbert speaks about the creative process, which is like a circle. It drops into us from outside ourselves and connects to a person open to it. She explains that half of the process is creative expression, such as writing, drawing, or painting. The other half of the process is sharing your creativity and completing the circle (Book: Big Magic). To be human is to be creative. All things before they are manifested in the world are thoughts; this is the gift of being alive. Self-care is using this life to express yourself as you are. Not for the world to judge, though they may, or for the world to grade excellent or bad, and they will, and not for the world to validate, but for you to dance to the beat of your own drum as if nobody is watching, and somebody usually is. Wayne Dyer said, "Don't die with your music still in you," meaning do not create anybody else's art but your own. Self-care is expressing your true self regardless of what the world thinks. As a little girl, I lived in an apartment building with a big stone-covered entryway. I would blast music from my boom box and use a microphone to sing my heart out to Cyndie Lauper. I did not care that I could not sing or dance or that the microphone was my hand; I was ME, expressing myself the only way I knew. I only stopped doing this after somebody told me I couldn't sing and I couldn't dance. Until then, it was art. After that, it was dysfunction. I resigned to appropriate behavior, sitting out the dance and lip singing. Some years later, I began using substances to cope with the tension caused by my inability to express my emotions. Emotions inspire a creative life; pent-up emotions create blocked tension, and reclaiming your life through self-care unblocks them, allowing them to be seen, heard, and felt.

Creating your life through self-care can look like anything you choose to make. It can be expressed through your clothes, hair, and makeup. It can be cooking yourself and your family a healthy meal and presenting it in a way that shows how much you care. It can be taking time for yourself through meditation, prayer, journaling, and reading. It can be walking in nature, taking time to smell a flower, or lifting weights at the gym. It can be coloring, painting, sculpting, drawing, or sewing. Lighting candles, listening to Mozart, breathing slowly, or humming a song. It can be speaking your truth when the world is not ready to hear it, advocating for someone who went through what you went through as a kid, or crying. It can look like all those things and so much more. But what is most important is how it feels because it is not about what you do but how you BE. Authenticity, fun, truth, alignment, connection, silly, courageous, and gritty are all feeling words that let me know I am dancing my dance, painting the portrait of my life, and following my arrow. I have learned valuable lessons: I would rather be true to myself than beautiful to the world, I want to learn more than I earn, and I want to listen to my spirit rather than think about what the world is thinking about me. Self-care is not selfish; it is the opposite because I cannot fill from an empty cup.

by Nikki Russell, CBHPSS

April 5, 2024

Happiness is a broad term that many people associate with pleasure. When your craving for excitement is replenished, the boredom is filled with fun, or the hunger is satisfied. We want entertainment with relationships, activities, careers, and food. The adrenaline rush or dopamine hit that tells us, " I am doing something that matters to me." This is what many people call happiness, the rush of life, the drama of the story. Who would read a book or watch a movie about a character who spends all day doing mundane" things? Intellectually, this definition of happiness makes sense. However, a definition encompassing the whole person requires more depth and self-awareness. When I look at happiness from an intellectual perspective, it reminds me of my addiction. I am always searching externally for things that fill up my emptiness and reduce my tension. Drinking or doing drugs gave me a rush of pleasure; they allowed me to soften the edges and lose my inhibitions. I can say the same for many of my behaviors before starting recovery; I was trying to squeeze happiness out of everything.

In the beginning, I needed to heal; the journey began with recovery. I remember purchasing a bike with a basket in the front for my books and a rack on the back to tie my blanket. I would ride my bike to my recovery meetings, arrive an hour early, lay my blanket on the grass, and read until the meeting started. I felt calm, at peace, and contented during those few hours. In those moments, I was not receiving a dopamine hit; I was connected to a part of myself that I was honoring. In those moments, I was not stimulated by something interrupting my chaos; I was embracing my authenticity. If I reflect on exciting times in my life before recovery, I think of the New Year's Eve celebration when I decided I was not an alcoholic. I had spent five years not drinking and proving to myself and my partner that I could manage my life without alcohol and drugs. My best friend and I planned the evening: new dresses, social events, and friends. What was lurking in the darkness of my mind was an escape from the internal pain I had been trying desperately and unsuccessfully to numb. The curve on my life path deviated from the straight and narrow life I had hoped would bring happiness. New Year's Eve was full of glitz and glamour. I was a size two because I had been exercising twice daily, so my silver sequined dress fit the image I was displaying. I desperately wanted the world to see a happy girl. Here is the problem: I was operating from my ego; it was imprisoning my authenticity. It was chasing after external things it thought would make me happy, while my true dreams lay dormant. Exercise replaced alcohol in those five years of sobriety; in the few years before that, a relationship had replaced hard drugs. I spent many years chasing happiness and running from my pain. New Year's Eve would offer synthetic happiness and stimulate the demands of my ego, a confession I would admit years later. Recovery reconnected me to my innocence.  The little girl inside, who needed support in early recovery, was seen, heard, and acknowledged as I sat there riding my bike and reading my books in early recovery. There is no excitement, no pleasure, no dopamine hit, just a girl reconnecting to herself.

I call my childhood wounding my darkness. I have learned that trauma is not what happened to me but what I experience because of it. One of my traumas is abandonment. How I can experience this is negative programming that convinces me I am not worthy of love. It can show up in my day-to-day moments as unconscious patterns that convince me I do not fit in or self-sabotage. My patterns came from programming due to trauma and informed my behavior. I call this programming EGO. The ego is an internal and unknown drive to specific behaviors, like drinking. I often say, “The thinker is the drinker.” This means that the true and pure part of me is not judging the behavior but has given authority to a more daring part of me that can protect a more vulnerable aspect. My healing has expanded the pure part of me slowly over time; I call this part of me “the light.” In early recovery, I was discovering what this was. I had these bubbles of happiness that would appear inside me, but would not last that long. These bubbles expanded through forgiveness, meditation practice, and learning about myself until they became big enough to withhold my whole self. I began to be able to separate my wounds (darkness) from the person I was always meant to be(lightness). My dreams started to rise to the surface as I was not entangled in my programming. I stood outside of them and observed how they were ruling my life. From that point, I could begin to untangle them individually, allowing me to act as the authority of my life rather than being lost in the darkness.

Recovery has been a “revealing journey.” Once my healing process built momentum, it lit the path toward recovery, revealing unconscious patterns and allowing me to live my best life. Slowly, my ego fades into the light and integrates into life. They say that the ego is a terrible master but a great servant. Our natural state is calm and peaceful. I can think of ego as always wanting the carrot dangling out in front of me that constantly chases happiness, thinking it is closer, but it never reaches it. Suffering lives in the desire for something instead of being at peace with the moment. My happiness began when I realized that I had created everything I had at that moment. This meant I had the power to change it, but even more so, I could embrace it. Trauma has a purpose. It allows me to grow and become a lighter version of myself and provides the drive to seek internal meaning. Chasing happiness cannot fulfill me because it takes me away from my authenticity. Instead, I go inside to the deep reservoirs of myself, and where I think I will find more darkness, the light appears, revealing the internal pursuit of happiness.

by Nikki Russell, Recovery Coach

December 12, 2023

Spiritual Intelligence (SQ) is discovering the aspects of us that inspire creativity, healing, and purpose. Another name for this is intuition, which lives on our brain's right side. The intelligence Quotient (IQ), the left side of the brain, measures what we accumulate outside of ourselves; learning happens through reading books, listening to speeches, researching, and observing others. We analyze and compare data intellectually and incorporate it into life. Learning starts early in life, like learning to walk and speak, and evolves into helping us understand, perceive, and assess the world around us. It is critical for survival; it helps us meet mental, emotional, and social demands. Learning does not play favorites; it does not self-correct. The school of hard knocks teaches different lessons and incorporates skills that protect a person from danger. For example, due to the trauma I was experiencing at home as a child, it was much more important to maintain a sense of safety versus learning math, my left brain told me. Confidence was a mask I wore to protect secrets, in comparison to an organic experience that prepared me for harnessing a successful career path. This type of learning came from my family's modeled behavior, and it assured me that I would stay in the same social class, mental health, and emotional crisis. The trauma wound became my best teacher, guiding my footsteps, warning me of happiness, and sabotaging success. Hypervigilance was my game, and I excelled, honing my survival skills. There were no awards or certifications for my efforts, and no adult ever validated my keen eye for perpetrators, my empathic qualities of just knowing when something was wrong, or how I could weave a story to protect a generation of lies.

I had skills that could win battles and pass tests, but none that were credible by society's standards. I worked incredibly hard to fit into the "IQ" world. With a flash of my smile and wielding my sword of manipulation, I could achieve anything this life had to offer. Worldly success was at my fingertips; you guessed it, a cigarette, a beer, and a pill were all I needed to convince myself I was just like you. They did not fall for it, but I did, hard. To the bottom, I went down every bottle, relationship, and lie. Getting to the bottom of a lie is hard to hit; it meant I could no longer count on my education to get me through consistent internal trauma; I would need to go deeper. It was a crushing blow to realize the safety measures taken were a false security blanket meant to keep me trapped in a cozy feedback loop. My five senses of touch, taste, smell, hearing, and sight were a part of the protection process; my thought patterns and emotions justified the concrete world I saw, further constructing and solidifying an identity. I was imprisoned in my education, a storm of thought patterns that pulled from my past and projected into the future, staining potentially beautiful life experiences. Triggered emotions reinforced the thoughts that created a fear in me so intense that all I could do was adjust the mask and hope that the distant light of my authentic self would twinkle just enough to conjure images of happiness in you so you would not judge me.

I heard it! Deep inside me, I heard it! Is my intuition speaking to me? It felt so hollow inside my body and brain the voice echoed. It felt like the truth; it was soft and kind but seemed wild. Was I losing my God-forsaken mind once and for all? The unknown of that experience felt like home, but no home I have ever known. The message that came through that day felt like Deja Vue, and I knew that I was right where I was supposed to be. Hope came in the middle of my messy mind, broken heart, and tragic life; it held me so tight and then released me back into the world to rebuild my life. A deeper level of safety existed, but with the old thought patterns giving me feedback, it would take another year for me to walk into a life of recovery. A new education was in order, and I became a seeker of truth.

Mining for my authentic self-involved practices would quiet the recycled thought patterns that imposed a life of protection. I needed to be able to not only hear my intuition but discern between thought and wisdom. It has been a non-linear path of learning new skills; I began listening, writing down thoughts, and questioning what motivated me versus the results I was getting. Doing the work to unlearn old patterns and behaviors was actively passive. It was a destructive internal process that involved learning to meditate, journaling, reading loads of books, and a forgiveness process. I permitted myself to become the spiritual-girl I have always been. The willingness to trust that my intuition will guide me toward true happiness that might not look like what the world defines as success took radical action. So much of my suffering during this timeframe was the old identity I was losing; even though it imprisoned me, it also protected me. I lost that old identity to have something better. Spirituality is a way of life offering a radical intelligence accessible to everyone. It takes a process, acceptance of where we currently are on our life journey, and a desire for change. With the balance of the left and the right brain, we cannot rely only on IQ as a means of living; we are only relying on the information in our environment. The right brain offers creativity with life and new possibilities; it allows spirituality to flow in. Spending time in the realm of the impossible is where dreams are cultivated; connecting SQ with IQ will enable an inner genius to take form and deliver a life beyond your imagination.

by Jana Galarus, Family Peer Supporter

April 11, 2023
Forgiveness is something that can be described in so many ways by everyone. I describe forgiveness as the power to move on, heal, recover and to have inner peace and grace in life. It takes courage, mental strength, bravery, humility, and compassion. For some of us it also takes emotional and spiritual awareness to forgive.

Maria Edgeworth stated:

“Surely it is much more generous to forgive and remember, than to forgive and forget.”

I am a mom with special needs children and I was taking care of my elderly dad. I remember times in life where I felt like it was me and my family up against the world of administrators, doctors, insurance companies, lawyers and teachers. I was so angry, frustrated and tired of fighting for everyday rights it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. At moments I thought it would be the death of my soul as a person. The bitterness, and frustration of emotions that I was going through was not the person that I am naturally in life. I didn’t understand this at the time.

I eventually forgave them, and myself, but I will never forget. This allowed me and my family the power to be the people that we are today and live healthier and happier lives.

The Bible says, “Forgive them, for they have not known what they do.”

I don’t wish anyone who reads this to take offense as I realize we are all spiritual in different ways.

With years of forgiveness for them and myself I have since allowed some of them to come back into our life. Some of them have since apologized and done right by us.

Maya Angelo said:

“It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.”

Forgiveness helps us feel better, it gives us freedom and hopefully it will make us live longer. It will decrease anxiety, stress and blood pressure. Remember to breath add some self-care to your life.

Every parent has made mistakes. Every child makes mistakes. Every parent has had an argument with their child and every child has argued with their parents. This is to be human. Talk about it and if you can’t, write a letter about it so they know how you feel. Forgive each other this will allow you to be more open.

Remember forgiveness and healing is a choice. It’s the best form of love. It takes a strong person to say your sorry and stronger person to forgive.

by Nikki Russell, Recovery Coach

March 28, 2023

In the beginning of my recovery journey my life was about bringing myself to a balanced state of mind so that I could begin to build a life of purpose. Early recovery was about discovering who I was through a healing process that brought me inwards towards many wounds that I felt would be my demise. Through this emotional roller coaster ride, I learned that after the scariest moments of remembering past hurt came equally enlightening moments of truth that helped me face my past and build a life beyond recovery. Today I cannot tell the difference between what my recovery is and what is my life, there is no separation between the two. The obvious differences of behaviors that separated me from my best life was my addiction’s attempt at protecting me from pain. Once I recognized the recycled thought pattern, I could slowly change old habits and create a life that aligns with a mission I know matches the highest purpose for my life. Creating wellness practice and learning from mentors are two ways that helped me build a life that continues to help me grow beyond my fears and gives me the strength to take leaps of faith, speak my truth, and live my best life.

Did you know that your mind cannot tell the difference between what is a “real” experience and what was something that is watched on a screen. The mind imprints these two things similarly, this was my first “aha” moment that ignited curiosity.  Could it mean that I could change my life just by what I decided to experience, by what I allowed into my awareness. I set out on a mission to expose a truth that I externally doubted but internally hoped to be true. I began reading all the positive mental attitude, spiritual, and psychological books I could find. Some of these authors had podcasts that I began tuning into, I discovered guided meditations, mantra’s, and my inner child. As I began cleansing the pain out of my body I noticed the practice manifesting into my actual life. The ease and comfort I began to feel with limited fear, anxiety, and isolation was astonishing. I began reducing things In my life that did not match this new happiness like television, social media, and toxic relationships. I now had the tools to face triggering events that in the past had caused me to numb with substances, and 1000 other things.

“God with skin on” is what I often heard in recovery and from this I understood that anybody who was in my life was there to support the greater mission of healing wounds. I began to crave a spiritual practice, one that served a belief system that could ignite an internal flame that was rising up within my heart. I have found many role models on my journey; in fact, I look for them every day.  These people look average, but they shine. They glow because they emit an internal purity that comes from being ethical, humanitarian, and spontaneous. They laugh out loud, are enthusiastic, and follow their heart. They have a radical self-acceptance, speak their truth, and encourage me to do the same. When I walked out of my spiritual closet, I began to spot these people as a symbol that I was living my authentic life. On this path I found a medicine woman who taught me native ceremony, tradition, and oneness. This has made all the difference because through her, I see me, I see God, and I see love and acceptance. Living a life beyond recovery is about putting the principles into practice and by living a courageous life we have justice for our past that we may have the opportunity to serve our family, friends, and community.

by Bill Deavel, Peer Support Coordinator

January 31, 2023

Well, this will be my fourth time I have written on this topic while at MPN. Let’s see what my heart puts down on paper. I believe that relationships are what gives each of our lives purpose. The connection that each of us have with the people in our lives is what gives us the ability have the emotions that we get to experience. I also believe that we get to have a relationship with ourselves. I know for myself for a long time I sought relationships with others so that I could feel a certain way. The relationship that I have cultivated with myself has given me the ability to have quality relationships with others.

My spirituality has been the key to be able to unlock who I truly am. My relationship with God has freed me from self and has given me my purpose in life which is to serve others. This is my foundation in being able to maintain quality relationships with others. Now, I wish I could say that I handle all the different relationships in my life with perfection, however that is not the case. I choose to do a daily inventory on how I treated others. Most days I treat others with dignity and respect, there are those days when I need to go to individuals and own my behavior and correct the mistakes that I have done. I know for myself when my time here on earth is over, I want to be remembered as someone that gave himself to others in a way that had a positive impact on each of their lives. I will end with saying that if we are willing to be honest with ourselves and continue to work on the relationships in our lives, we will have the opportunity to experience love joy and respect. Treasure the relationships that you have, they are important.

by Mandy Nunes, Assistant Director

December 27, 2022

Spirituality is something I really struggled with in early recovery. It took me a long time to realize that spirituality was something that I defined for myself, it was a personal journey. I have a lot of religious trauma in my story and though I tried in early recovery to adopt other people’s traditional religious views as my spirituality, that created an internal conflict that I could not deny. Although I felt welcomed by the people in the rooms of 12 step meetings, some of the foundational language triggered feelings of past oppression, shame, and rejection. I realized that I had a deep, spiritual wound that needed healing. It was then that my journey really began.

I spent a lot of time in my therapist’s office, working through and processing years of various types of traumas. I became able to see some of the events separate from my experiences of them and have compassion for those versions of myself. I worked on changing my thought process. I became open to hearing other people’s spiritual experiences and beliefs without passing judgements their direction or casting shame on my own. I started to explore and embrace practices and belief systems that bring me comfort, peace, healing, compassion, wisdom, passion, growth, accountability, and love. I don’t identify with any religion, but acknowledge that these elements can be experienced in most, if not all, religions. I believe in the power of energy, of the mind, and of love. I pray to the universe and sometimes to people who have passed on. I seek guidance from my future self (what would me at my highest potential think, feel, do, say). My spirituality is connected to every other part of me and affects and is affected by every other dimension of my wellness. It also involves connectedness to others and to nature. My spirituality is open-minded. It’s ever evolving like my Recovery and my life. It’s not something that is complete, nor will it be, it’s an ongoing journey that will continue for as long as I do.

by Nikki Russel, Recovery Coach

December 20, 2022

Spirituality is gritty. I spent many years trying to find God, sitting in meditation for hours a day attempting to make her something separate of myself that would give me a golden ticket into heaven. Attempting to be good enough to achieve unlimited access to worth, making up for lost time in meditation and prayer, life could be good if I said the right words and did the right actions. When I realized that my life is a prayer, my behaviors are a result of co-creation with a spirit so great that it can embody all my shame and past mistakes and turn them into nuggets of inspiration for myself and others to heal. When I trust life to provide what I need to thrive, I am willing to get my hands dirty and do the work necessary to heal. Today spirituality is my whole life, not a separate action that grants me a permission for acceptance. Spirituality is the essence of forgiveness, where there once was pain, there is now love. I walk through the pain to find God; she is always living at the bottom of my emotions and when I seek spirituality there, I am redeemed from a life of addiction.

The great spirit, creator, God, Lord, or whatever name you choose to call your higher power is a reminder that spirituality is personal and powerful. Life has been trying to catch my attention, tapping me on the shoulder begging me to live my purpose in each moment, not minding, what I call her or how I do it. My life has been perfectly imperfect, and spirituality reminds me that I am worthy of recovery.

by Bill Deavel, Peer Support Coordinator

December 6, 2022

Spirituality is one of my favorite topics to talk about. I have no idea where I would be if I hadn’t implemented a spiritual practice in my life. Let’s talk about the evolution of how my spirituality came to be the cornerstone of my recovery. Early in my recovery I was trying to manage symptoms and cravings and I didn’t know that a spiritual practice could help both. I remember that spiritual principles were the beginning of how I was able to develop a spiritual practice. I have to say that a lot of the spiritual principles that a started out with were happening organically; making sure that I was at all my scheduled appointments for mental health and substance abuse, showing up for my service positions, letting my parents know my plans, simple communication-

Accountability-This went on for two or three years. I also worked the twelve steps of Narcotics Anonymous. What does this have to do with spirituality? Glad you asked. I had to learn how to be honest with myself. I had to learn how to work through things that I would have rather not faced.

Courage- I had to be willing to take direction from my sponsor ad mental health providers.

Open-mindedness and willingness- These spiritual principles made it possible for me to be able to explore what my spirituality was going to be. Today I am still working on my spirituality. My spiritual practice addresses my mental health as well as my substance abuse challenges. It also enhances my life. I believe that each of us have a desire to fill ourselves spiritually. My hope for each of you is to have the courage to find your spirituality that enhances your life. I do think that starting off with spiritual principles and living by them has help me find my spirituality. If you would like to talk about this further feel free to email me at bill@mtpeernetwork.org.

by Nikki Russel, Recovery Coach

November 22, 2022

Culture develops my belief system, that develops my traditions, that gives me a sense of self within a community. Culture gives me my values; it tells me how to live my life.

The culture of “letting go” versus holding onto to a belief system that was given to me. The culture I had before recovery was about thinking I was not enough and spending every waking hour trying to prove to the world I was worthy of their love and attention. I changed everything that was authentic about me to what the world expected from me.

My colors were too bright, I needed to dim my shine to make people feel comfortable. This grey life that I existed in was protection and I lived inside this wound that became my culture. Surviving the daily trauma became my God. I learned a skillset that protected from love, trauma told me to push people away because they would hurt me.

When I entered recovery, a new culture began emerging, learning that I could create the life that I was worthy of, I needed to learn that the colors of me are beautiful even if the world does not approve. I am learning that when trauma knocks on the door, that tension in my heart, it is God reminding me to live life in color, not in the grayness of my wounding. Letting go of the need to be in control, to be effective, and the need to be right is affording me the freedom to live outside my trauma.

I have developed a culture of recovery that offers a new belief system, a set of values that requires me to be vulnerable. Today my culture exists in the very thing that I was so afraid of in my addiction - …LOVE.

by Lea Wetzel, Drop-in Center Coordinator

November 8, 2022

This month is National Native American Heritage Month, acknowledging Indigenous First Nations. I am a member of the Blackfoot Confederated Nation, the Amskapii Piikani Band. We are one band of a six-clan band, and the only band of our nation in the United States. Our culture is prevention on so many levels. Having a connection to both Indigenous First Nations knowledge and the Westernized knowledge can be very helpful in recovery. The definition of Cultural Synergy is, to bring two or more cultures together to form an organization or environment that is based on combined strengths, concepts, and skills. The differences in the world's people are used in such a way that encourages mutual growth by cooperation. Coming from my lineage of tribes, clans, bands, and societies, we have leadership societies, that teach us our old ways of living in harmony and our original belief system. Through the heartbeat of the sacredness of life and our sacred journey, together we grow by learning from one another, culture to culture, to be of support to one another. We believe we are all interconnected here in this Universe. First Nations are the original people who derive from Turtle Island. Montana is one area of multiple tribal territories on this continent, that is part of Turtle Island.

There's a great amount of knowledge centered within this ethnicity. Through mindfulness, acceptance, humility, and patience we can learn a lot from the history right here where we live. Beliefs through the lineage of our culture explains creation, who we are and how we came to be Simple principles of living in harmony, and interconnectedness of ourselves, each other, our surroundings, the animals, and the Universe, is a part of our way of life. We do not claim any land as something we own. We are only borrowing and protecting the land, for the generations to come. We migrated with the seasons and the buffalo here in the plains, the Northern territory. We acknowledge the land as Mother Earth, a gift from Creator. In acknowledging who we are, we are acknowledging where we come from. We are taught to respect the land we are on, and that is surrounding us. We are taught from our Ancestors, and Mother Earth’s memories. The teachings that come from this area are transferred to us from our lineage, and with this knowledge comes responsibility. Our responsibility is to our ways and preserving it in a sacred manner. First Nations lineage comes from a long blood line of teachings and ways that are highly respected and kept sacred. These teachings come from Elders, the true knowledge keepers, of our First Nations beliefs. Elders are those who have been transferred knowledge and are chosen to have sacred responsibilities.

by Lea Wetzel, Drop-in Center Coordinator

Septemeber 13, 2022

Recovery is the beginning of positive change and evolving into the spirit and human being an individual was meant to be. It’s the bond and balance of body, mind, and soul. It is the discovery of who Creator really made an individual to be.

Recovery has been the lifestyle, workforce, and individual I represent. It is acceptance of who I am as a woman in recovery. It has shown me what I am to be, and how I am supposed show up in spaces of all areas I am in. Recovery is why I can be who I am as a woman, a mom, a leader, a voice, and an individual who is okay with making mistakes. It has taught me how to navigate through mistakes and where and why I need to be who Creator made me to be, flaws and all.

Recovery is the love for myself, my family, my community, and all cross-cultural nationalities. It is humanizing my interactions and being able to use the gifts I was given from Creator and showing my love for Creator thorough the actions of cultural humility.
Recovery is the life I chose and continue to choose today, no matter the storm, the rainbow after the storm, and it is being able to dance in the storm and embracing the need for voice and positive change. It is being able to show humility when times are tough and setting an example for others to come to be the next generations of leaders to come.

Recovery is not always the easiest life to live. We still feel all the hurt, pain, and prosperity that life gives, here on Earth; but it’s all about how we continue on the path of this Red Road, called recovery. It’s being teachable, respectable, and it’s honoring another’s journey by equal balance and humanness we can offer one another. It’s bringing another up and not down, and it can be our gift back to Creator.

Our gift is life and choosing to live in recovery and being an individual that stands for hope, mindfulness, compassion, and respect to make the best out of our life, and our gift back to Creator. Recovery is the life that gifts us the knowledge we need to endure the ups and downs of life. Recovery is possible and EVERYONE can succeed. If you can dream a dream in recovery, it can be the life Creator meant for you to have in recovery.

by Bill Deavel, Peer Support Coordinator

January 31, 2023

Well, this will be my fourth time I have written on this topic while at MPN. Let’s see what my heart puts down on paper. I believe that relationships are what gives each of our lives purpose. The connection that each of us have with the people in our lives is what gives us the ability have the emotions that we get to experience. I also believe that we get to have a relationship with ourselves. I know for myself for a long time I sought relationships with others so that I could feel a certain way. The relationship that I have cultivated with myself has given me the ability to have quality relationships with others.

My spirituality has been the key to be able to unlock who I truly am. My relationship with God has freed me from self and has given me my purpose in life which is to serve others. This is my foundation in being able to maintain quality relationships with others. Now, I wish I could say that I handle all the different relationships in my life with perfection, however that is not the case. I choose to do a daily inventory on how I treated others. Most days I treat others with dignity and respect, there are those days when I need to go to individuals and own my behavior and correct the mistakes that I have done. I know for myself when my time here on earth is over, I want to be remembered as someone that gave himself to others in a way that had a positive impact on each of their lives. I will end with saying that if we are willing to be honest with ourselves and continue to work on the relationships in our lives, we will have the opportunity to experience love joy and respect. Treasure the relationships that you have, they are important.