by Beth Ayers, Family Support Lead

August 6, 2024

The word boundaries can bring to mind a variety of images and feelings. Boundaries can have a negative connotation or conjure feelings of safety. Boundaries can be a hard concept for many. Often, setting boundaries feels uncaring. I personally have a love/hate relationship with boundaries. I find the concept confusing when trying to apply it to my life and relationships. Setting boundaries can cause conflict with others whose boundaries are different. Essentially, boundaries protect the important things in life. In order to set effective boundaries, you have to know your priorities. And to know your priorities, you first have to know your values.

Values are the “gut level” qualities that guide you. Values are those things most important to you. Your non-negotiables. There are over 50 common core values. Most people have 6 or so. What are yours? Priorities tend to be relationships. Most of us have good priorities but many struggle to live them out in the right order. List your priorities in order of most important. A good but hard question to ask ourselves is “Does my life reflect the order of my priorities?” Stephen Covey said, “The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” How do we do this? One way is to jot down your regular routine and identify if there is a value & priority at play with each item. Does your highest priority show up in your routine and if so, how often? What shows up most often in your routine? Where do you see your other priorities in your schedule? Which of your priorities are not in your schedule? The years after Covid have shown us that we need social interaction and face-to-face connection. How do you refill your cup? How do you feed yourself physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Where do you have fun? Research says it takes 400 repetitions to create a new synapse in the brain unless it’s done while having fun/playing. Then it only takes 10-20 repetitions! (Source Oak Tree Development Center)

Raising a child with a behavioral health challenge and/or special healthcare need is a marathon, not a sprint. As parents to children with complex needs, we do not have the luxury to say yes to everything. When my child began school, I was bombarded with volunteer opportunities and wanted to do them all- home room mom, reading helper, PTA member, book group leader, field trip chaperone, and so on. And don’t forget about snacks and lunches and birthday treats. I wanted them to be homemade, delicious, and perfect. My motivation to say “yes” varied. Sometimes I really wanted to participate, other times I felt like I had to if I wanted to be a “good” mom. Sometimes I wanted to participate because these were all new experiences for me and my child and I wanted to be involved in all of them. And sometimes it is just really hard to say “no.” Not only did I want to do most of these, I thought I “should” be able to do all of them. I saw other moms doing it all. I had dreams of doing it all with and for my child. As a mom to a child with extra needs, my expectations and dreams had to change. There is a grieving process when our life doesn’t turn out exactly as we thought it would. It’s important to grieve and find acceptance. It opens space for new dreams and hopes. It allows gratitude to grow in us for what we have. It can help to look at how many hours you spend taking care of your child. Time spent at appointments, driving to and from appointments, researching illnesses and therapies and resources and services. And don’t forget about the mental, emotional, and physical toll caring for a child with complex needs can have on us as caregivers. Added all up, how many hours is that in a school week? Sally Super Mom’s child doesn’t require the extra care, giving her extra hours in the week. Let her be home room mom, PTA president, reading buddy. I have found a good question to ask myself is, “Can someone else take this role?” No one else is going to be my child’s mom, but all the other parents can be home room mom. My child is also more likely to remember the time I spend with them than whether their treats were homemade. Give yourself permission to say yes or no based on your values and priorities. The stage of life you are in now will change. Your values and priorities might change. “No” doesn’t have to be forever, sometimes it’s just “not now.”

Now that we have identified our values, boundaries, and routine, how do we protect them? Boundaries! Boundaries are not our values and priorities. We put boundaries around our values and priorities to protect them. Like a fence. Having clear boundaries will help you make decisions about your time and will help others know what to expect from you. Boundaries are a form of self-care. They can protect from caregiver burnout and chronic stress. Boundaries are important to our health and wellness. And our wellness is important to our child.

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by Nikki Russell, Recovery Coach

January 16, 2024

The pursuit of happiness can feel like hunting for an external thing that, when destroyed, justifies the means. Mind you, this perspective comes from a Vegetarian who insists on achieving balance through less sacrificial means. There are two ways to view the world we live in. The first is objective, survival of the fittest, which proclaims intellect is almighty and whoever thinks and runs faster wins. The second approach comes from "Namaste," which means "the God in me recognizes the God in you." This is not only from human to human but also from human to object. Recovery cleared this up for me, creating a space in my heart for the value of all living things as a way of life. Proclaiming this value system, living in Montana has its set of challenges, as does not drinking and carrying a Buddhist mindset. Through the years, I have become steadfast in my beliefs and recognize authentic qualities as an expression of empowerment. Being a vegetarian while existing in the land of hunters forces me to reconcile an attitude that could come off as righteous. The lofty goal of not wanting to be judgmental and accepting all people for their belief system attempts to break the chains of conditioning. I fight against my childhood conditioning that tells me hunting for happiness is a futile effort that leads to selfishness. Walking the fine line of service to others while maintaining a sense of dignity is a daily endeavor, I find rewarding and exhausting. This paper attempts to relay a message of hope through a personal discovery process of archetypal patterns of the hunter and a redefining of happiness.

The hunter hunts are a simple determination; they are on a precise task with a purpose. Although I have never hunted animals, I know the adrenaline rush of shopping or the hunt for a drink. An adventure of the will for something that fulfills a desire, whether a spiritual hunger or an empty stomach. The prize temporarily satisfies a desperate need for success, whether it is a suppression of loneliness to permit a facade of satisfaction or trophy antlers proudly hung on a wall to display pride. The hunter archetype can play out in people's lives in many different ways, exhibiting the result of a journey traveled far and wide to display a prize that is sure to impress. The hunter is a seeker, a pursuer, and a predator. When a hunter esteems its target, it is focused, energized, and respectful. When a hunter comes from a wounded space, they can be irresponsible, thoughtless, and damaging. I can see myself as an archetypal hunter with a weapon of choice, willing to shoot my target to fulfill a desire. Whether in my addiction or my recovery, being a courageous hunter for happiness has compelled life.

The desires are fierce and demand an action. Healthy behaviors lead life today, and kindness is my weapon of choice. Yet, there live the hunter in my heart, reminding me that I am not so different from the Montana way of life. I am intertwining a rugged beauty with a wild heart that calls me to the mountains of my life. Courageous, traversing the elements as I explore the world inside and outside of me. When I acknowledge the hunter in me, I must ask what I am hunting. Why am I hunting it? And is the weapon I hold in my grasp necessary for the task?

Every happiness has two specialties: one is perceiving something as good, and the other is attaining it. The thing that is perceived as good is hunted. To prepare for the hunt, a person must know what is good for them. The pursuit begins with a foundation of the values a person stands upon. Values come from conditioning and an innate essence planted in everyone as a purpose. The conversation can get tricky from this point, depending on your belief system, because there are two perspectives on happiness: one is metaphysical, and the other is that happiness is an external resource. Metaphysical happiness is where a person places their joy in the present moment with an acceptance that all external things reflect the internal work. Honoring good and bad things is a humble reminder that life carries lessons to benefit the more extraordinary claim. In this respect, happiness is not a pursuit but a surrender to the knowledge that the Universe will supply the means for survival. An actively passive exchange is where the energy a person puts into something is what they receive in return. A monetary value is not described as something that offers happiness, but the connection to infinite possibilities gives unbounded contentment even in the face of threat. Words could not possibly describe the experience of a metaphysical process of mysticism, but it is like trying to describe recovery to a person amid their addiction.

Happiness can be described as a comfortable feeling, the absence of fear or ambivalence. Many people describe it as the American dream or banking happiness; laughing all the way to the bank brings a sense of gratification. Being a consumer of happiness allows many people to trade ethics for instant gratification, morals for validation, and authenticity for approval. That said, it is a standard method, extracting love from a gallon of ice cream, confusing quality with quantity, and trading a smile for a buck. A true hunter of happiness values the journey, works hard for the reward, and holds sacred the affected life. Regulating happiness is a legitimate way to find temporary contentment. Still, much like addiction, where a hit gives a warm hug, it only leaves you wanting more when the happiness effects wear off. Happiness is a valid emotion, just like sadness and fear, alerting the brain to promote balance and more things that bring joy and protection from those who do not. Happiness has turned into a consumer's delight, failing to produce fulfillment and offering a much-needed break from the effects of life. Western society promotes happiness as a dream, achievable only once you pay for it. As a society, we forgot what we forgot, and freedom is not free. The unpretentious hunter does not want an animal to be sacrificed for their entertainment but holds high regard for the medicine it provides, a reciprocal relationship that digests appreciation, honor, and respect. Happiness lives in each action that promotes balance. Justice is living a life that honors generosity, patience, and diligence. When we spend money, we are offering something of ourselves in return. Happiness is the action that comes from the core of a value system and requires bravery to leap in the direction of authenticity. Hunting for happiness requires self-awareness that grows from a healed heart that aligns with the bow and arrow and, before it is shot, understands the gravity of the action. Before money is spent, we know the object's value; before words are spoken, we understand the weight they carry; and before the trigger is pulled, we grasp the consequence of the effort.

The hunter of happiness proclaims victory over the present moment by claiming her stake in goodness. Pursuing happiness is an internal process that allows happiness to exist, free of judgment, and recovery to be the foundation of a well-lived life.

by Nikki Russell, Recovery Coach

August 29, 2023

I am so grateful to be a mother. The ten years it took to become pregnant did not prepare me for the journey of motherhood. Just because having a baby is biological does not mean it is natural. Having my daughter activated a wound in me that had been dormant for many years; I would not fully understand this rugged process until much later. The medical community calls this phenomenon postpartum depression. I was attempting to maintain a belief that having a baby would fix me; it did, but not in the way I expected.

I was living in darkness when I found recovery; I was physically present in my daughter's life, but mentally and emotionally, I was living in the past. I needed to use substances daily to feel normal, but I needed more and more to get the same effect. Every day I looked at my daughter with guilt and shame, knowing that something needed to change but not having the power to produce it. I was completely absent in my life, a hollow person wandering, trying to escape the hurt from my childhood. An echo from my soul produced words of wisdom I did not recognize; "I need help." I thought strength meant living life without showing emotions, independence told doing life on your own, and success meant maintaining the facade I had altogether.

For the first time in my life, the pressure to be something I was not lifted. I could go to work without a daily hangover and come home without a bottle or two of wine; that meant I had a chance at connection. I could be in the moment with my daughter; my mind was not racing trying to find my next numbing event, trying to get a substance in me before the guilt and shame from the past would ignite memories.

As I healed, the bond with my daughter kept getting stronger. I recognized that I was seeing my wound in her when I was in my addiction. Still, as I started to heal, I saw my happiness in her—a direct reflection of the healing process from trauma, and internal isolation, to connection. I was becoming a proud momma, walking with my head held high, and she watched every move I made. As I healed my past through daily meditation, journaling, and a support network, I felt genuine love for the first time.

Values were becoming a priority in my life. Wisdom was rising to the surface like I do not have to have all the answers. I learned that Letting my daughter tell me what was important to her and walking that journey by her side meant she took responsibility for her actions and I could be there for her. I learned hugs feel good, words of support validate, and holding space for her was enough when neither knew what to say or do. I was enough; a profound notion and an even better feeling.

My daughter and I walked this recovery journey together because, thankfully, she watched me have courage, strength, and vulnerability. Recovery is so much more than not using substances, and being a mother is more than not numbing; it is a willingness to look at some hard truths, say sorry and hold her while she cries, and trust every day that love is enough. When I healed myself, I became the mother to myself, and then only then could I begin to be a momma to my beautiful Savannah. Modeling motherhood for my daughter is a legacy worth leaving, and I am grateful for the opportunity to be a proud momma to the most beautiful soul in the world.

Savannah girl, I love you to the moon and back.